Sunday, June 11, 2006


His sex life consisted of his wife on top, complaining about her knees. She would finish fast, he told female co workers, and then try to finish him fast with a hand job, all the while complaining about her wrist.

After ten years of marriage, three kids and a failed business, they parted.

He called it. He made plans. On the night he showed up with an UHaul expecting a big tearful scene , he was met with indifference and an impatient "are you still here?" when it took him a while to move his stuff out.

Injured, he spent the rest of the night unloading his truck, his head spinning with all of the promise he future now held.
He was free, free with a capital F. There was something else with a capital F that he wanted to do, but she would have to be just the right person he told himself.

He flirted over IM with co workers, dipping his toe over and over into dangerous waters. He engaged in discussion, fantasies actually, that would never materialize. Funny how that was a metaphor for most everything in his life. He could talk the talk...but that was where it ended.

His plan was to become super successful. He would show his ex and her family, a bunch of doubters and haters, when he was sitting on his pile of cash. His life long dreams, the ones that caused him to cash in his marriage, were so close he could taste it.

Deciding his look needed a bit of a makeover, he bought himself a Kangol hat, cheap Swiss watch and a bottle of flavored vodka for his fridge. Formerly forbidden by the inlaws he lived with, he liked to sit back at night in the lawn chair, the only seating in his living room and sip the cold sour apple cocktail.

He even bought a CD holder shaped like a guitar. Granted, he used all the grocery money, but it was symbols like this that made his dream seem closer.

He would show them.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

the blame game

You unfairly blame me for your money troubles. Despite your more than adequate income, you cut yourself short and then blame me.

Yes, you have been very generous.You have bailed me out during the rough patches. But you were my spouse, and isn't that what the vow "in richer and in poorer" is all about? I shuddered and crossed my fingers when we said that during the wedding because I knew that it didn't apply to us.

You have told your family that you keep me afloat- not true. You know I am private, and know I am in a situation that no matter how I feel about you, I cannot be part of your family- you have ruined that. Eve though the involved parties get over things, parents and siblings never get over the dirty one- sided details they hear when a relationship starts to go south.

You move at the end of the week. It has been two months coming and I don't think I can cry anymore.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

funny thing

My last post was Jan. 2. On Jan 3 I got sick. Really sick. I went into A FIB. Bad news- out of the blue bad news. At the time- I swore I was going to get my life in order. Although the A FIB had nothing ot do with weight (I had pneumonia) I vowed things would change. My self destructive days were over.

Two and half months later, my memory must be short. Two bags of chips later (dill and cheese), wine and a couple of heaping bowls of pasta earlier (starving because I did not eat all day save a sole cinnamon Pop Tart)- my weight is piling on.

I cropped pics of myself taken this weekend. In two or three clicks I whiped out the fat. But I know it is there. And honestly, for the first time in my life,, I really feel fat. Self concious fat. Yet, all I want to do is eat. I can not blame Lexapro- I am off it. It is me and all of my insecurities. I eat- why I don't know- because I feel guility. I have stopped purging- so I guess that is a step in the right direction. But my waist is huge- even my fat jeans do not fit.

Monday, January 02, 2006

this is what I wanted all day.....

A smoked turkey panini. With herbed mayonnaise. I even drove by the cafe where they serve them and it was open- despite the halfass holiday that is today.

But I did not stop as I am day three into a dreadful diet. So, instead, consumed with craving, later on I had a Burger King chicken sandwich, followed by a nap, then chicken pot pie with mashed potatoes for dinner and Tostitos nacho chips with the salsa con queso, that unnatural orange cheese dip with medium salsa mixed in as a snack. No wonder I can not loose weight.

If only I had stopped, ordered a panini for lunch, enjoyed it without guilt and then had a sensible dinner. BUT NO. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SANE. And that is not what the sane, unobsessed do. (funny- spell check for unobsessed offers unfocused)